The Mall is Alive with the Sound of Mayhem
by The Chosen One1
Summary: Superboy, Wonder Girl and Slobo decide to go shopping, and find that there's a blue light special on `pain'.


There were a million and a half things that Wonder Girl could've been doing today: Gone over the team itinerary; consult Robin about the security systems; threaten Impulse with bodily harm if he didn't stop using the computer to download Invader Zim episodes.  
  
Being assaulted by an army of mechanical lawn gnomes, however, was nowhere on that list.  
  
*********************  
  
One hour ago:  
  
"C'mon Cass, it'll be fun," Superboy whined for the FIFTEENTH time. "When was the last time you and I just went out and had some fun?"  
  
"If you count taking me to some kind of macho flick or anything with some half-naked chick involved in it? Yesterday." The newly-elected leader continued her flight through the hallways, towards the command room. Robin had said he wanted to talk to her about some small glitches in the security system. Also there were issues with Impulse and his excessive usage of the base computers to download cartoons (which was, admittedly, more acceptable than what Slobo was using it to download). And since she WAS the leader (hehehe....oh how she LIKED saying that) it was her responsibility to see these things through. Having a whiney blemish with a Shaggy goatee, however, was making that responsibility difficult.  
  
"Look," he started again (WHY did he have to be able to fly too?), "all I'm saying is we go into town, fly around, wow the crowds a bit, then go grab a pizza and do some window shopping. What's the harm in that?"  
  
She stopped, against her better judgement, in mid-air. *Don't look at him.* She repeated over and over to herself in her head. *He's going to give you those puppy-dog eyes and you'll cave in so don't look at him don't turn around just say no and go and borrow a Kryptonite Bat-a-rang from Robin just say no don't turn around don't turn around don't...*  
  
She turned around. And there he was, staring deeply into her soul with puppy-dog eyes.  
  
*CAP'N! WE'VE GOT A HULL BREECH! ABANDON SHIP!!! ABANDON...*  
  
"Fine," she whispered, her walls melting like so much Good Humor ice cream in July. Kon immediately switched from pathetically melancholic to pre- school merry.  
  
"Yessss!" Superboy pumped his fist in the air. Wonder Girl held her head in her hands. "Why do I have the feeling I'm going to regret this?" she moaned.  
  
**************  
  
It wasn't the fact that he was hanging upside down that was getting to Superboy. Nor was it the thousands of little tiny laser beams that engraved little gnomish graffiti into his skin. It wasn't even the diamond- tipped drill that lowered ever closer to his skull. No, as heir to the `S', he was prepared to deal with physical torture, even from one-foot tall mechanical lawn gnomes of doom. What was really...really...REALLY starting to bug him was the fact that those thousands of little wind-up toys of doom were singing the same blasted verse of Van Halen's "Everybody Wants Some"...FOR THE EIGHTY-NINTH TIME!!! AND DID THEY HAVE TO SING THAT OFF- KEY!?!  
  
He gripped tighter on the item in his left hand, a blanket of relief seeping into his veins. *At least I still have this* he thought to himself.  
  
%%%EVERYBODY WANTS SOME! I WANT SOME TOO! EVERYBODY WANTS SOME! HOW `BOUT YOU???%%%  
  
*shudder*  
  
*********  
  
Forty five minutes ago:  
  
"Why did we have to bring HIM along?" Wonder Girl asked, not bothering to look Superboy in the eyes.  
  
"Yeah, why'd ya have ta bring ME along?" Slobo asked, working the controls of the Super Cycle.  
  
"Because the mall we're going to is in San Diego, and YOU'RE the only one other than Robin who can fly the Cycle and still walk away with your arms attached."  
  
"I don't see why we couldn't go to OUR mall, the one we ALWAYS go to," she said, a hint of suspicion in her voice.  
  
"Uh...because...uh...we've been to our mall so often, people hardly even pay attention to us. And you were the one who said you wanted to go and stir up some fanfare." He put his arm around her shoulder, and for a brief second he thought he could feel the tension melt away from her.  
  
She snapped. "Kon, YOU'RE the one who...."  
  
"Oops, hold that thought. We're here." Superboy, managing to avoid having his true motives revealed, pointed down towards the huge mega-mall down below. People of all shapes, sizes, colors and creeds were gathered, their huddled masses pouring into the magnanimous complex.  
  
"Frag, what's wit all the geeks?" Slobo asked, noting the huge amounts of pocket-protected and glasses-taped individuals. "Don't tell me they're havin' a Star Geek convention." Slobo worked the controls, bringing the cycle in closer for a landing. Wonder Girl, already HIGHLY suspicious, had her suspicions confirmed by the text on the giant flashing neon sign. "`Terri Jewel-Jackson signing today'," she read off. "I KNEW it! You drug me along to some stupid fan-boy signing!" If she had possessed heat vision, Kon would've been extra crispy on sight.  
  
"Not bad, Stupid Boy," Slobo remarked, bringing the cycle in for a landing amidst a flock of ninety-eight pounders and computer hackers. "And here I was beginnin' to wonder which way your fence swung."  
  
"I can't believe you," Wonder Girl fumed, stomping out of the Super Cycle. "No, scratch that. I CAN believe you. You WOULD drag me along to something like this. WHY you'd drag me along to something like this, I'll never know. Actually, I WOULD like to know. Why DID you drag me here anyways?  
  
"Look!"  
  
"It's WONDER GIRL!"  
  
"In PERSON!"  
  
"Gotta get her autograph!"  
  
"Gotta get a lock of her hair!"  
  
She was barely a yard away from the cycle when, like a flock of vultures on a fresh corpse, geeks and dorks and poindexters of all walks of life swarmed in around her.  
  
Slobo looked at the feeding frenzy...then at Kon...then at the feeding frenzy. It finally clicked.  
  
"Oh, you are evil," he chuckled, giving SB his props.  
  
"C'mon," Superboy said, grabbing his pale chauffeur and taking flight over the whirlpool of the victims of Darwinism, noting an opening to the autograph line up ahead. "Now is the moment. SEIZE the day!"  
  
**************  
  
The count was seven hundred. Seven hundred gnome robots. Slobo had to go through seven HUNDRED mechanical, energy-axe wielding and rocket launching mini gnomes before the giant, ten foot tall honkin' DEATH gnomes were sent in. Obviously they weren't dealing with an INTELLIGENT mad scientist.  
  
In the distance, past the hoards, Slobo could hear the high-pitched screech of a famous damsel in distress (either that or the lasers had gotten to Superboy's lower regions).  
  
Through the walls of wires and captured Geeks, Slobo pressed onward. There was a damsel in distress, and he wanted to be there when she was feelin' `grateful'.  
  
***********  
  
A half an hour ago:  
  
"Dude, d'you hear Wonder Girl's outside signing autographs?"  
  
"Heh...you don't say?" Superboy chuckled. He figured, even in his shoddy disguise, no one there would recognize him. Not when there was a beautiful young blonde with Amazonian strength for the hordes to feast their eyes on. Allowing his temperamental companion carve a path through the socially- inferior around them, the pair moved closer and closer to their desired goal. In his sweaty palm Kon clutched tighter and tighter the 8 x 10 glossy of everyone's favorite 5'4", 128 lb brunette bombshell with attitude.  
  
There, just ahead. A blonde (wait, wasn't she brunette before?) beacon dead ahead. There she sat, beauty personified. And in a shirt that left as little to the imagination as possible. He salivated despite himself.  
  
"Wow, that's some pretty tight pants," Slobo remarked. "Wonder how a guy could get....OOF!" Superboy elbowed him in the rib cage, well aware that they were almost in ear shot (besides, he didn't want Slobo stealing the line he planned on using to wow her with). Just one person in the way: The oddest geek here. Someone should've told him that they stopped having `Dr. Who' conventions. And what was with the armor-plated skull and red eye piece? What did he think he was, a Borg? And at three-foot nuthin'? Talk about a black hole of intimidation.  
  
"Yesssssh. Sssssho clossssh," the little man slurred to himself. "Three hourssssh in line, but it wassssh worth it. Now I...EIN!"  
  
"`Scuse me," Kon said as he shoved the little man out of line.  
  
"Hey!" He protested. "I wasssssh..."  
  
"Saving my spot," Superboy filled the rest in. "And I thank you for that."  
  
The little man tried to get back in line, but was pulled back by a large, burly man with `Security' etched in bold letters across his shirt.  
  
"No line-cutting," he said in a deep, authoritative baritone voice. "Back of the line." He pointed to a point that didn't seem to exist, off in a horizon that extended forever. The man's eye twitched involuntarily.  
  
***********  
  
"Get OFF me!" "Pleeeeeasshhh," the gnomish man slurred, inching closer to Ms. Jackson's lips. "Jusssshht one? That'ssssssh all I came for."  
  
Around the upside-down diva and the tiny dork/mad scientist danced the mechanical gnome army.  
  
%%%EVERYBODY WANTS SOME! I WANT SOME TOO!!! EVERYBODY WANTS SOME! HOW `BOUT YOU???%%%  
  
"Pleeeeeasssssh? Jussssssht one autograph? I'll be your friend." He batted his one good eye, his red eye piece zooming in closer.  
  
"NO! AND WILL YOU SHUT THOSE STUPID ROBOTS OFF?!?"  
  
"Oh, sssssshory. They....kinda like that ssssssshong." He impatiently turned to his hordes. "SSSSHHHTEVE-BOTS! SSSSSSHADDUP!!!" Silence.  
  
"Now will you ssssssshine?" Once again he thrusted his visually-altered picture of him and Terri kissing.  
  
"No!" She again denied. "I REFUSED to be associated with something that scandalous!"  
  
"Oh, I bet if I looked like Vin Diesssshel, you couldn't sssssshine thisssssh pic fassssht enough," he pouted. "No matter." He motioned to the giganimous ray gun pointed at her head. "There are...other waysssssh to make you cooperate. Much EASSSSHIER wayssssh." He smiled.  
  
"Ewwww....brush much?"  
  
He stopped smiling....  
  
**********  
  
Fifteen minutes ago:  
  
*Smack!*  
  
"JERK!"  
  
"What? What'd I say?" Slobo and Superboy ran like madmen as far away from Ms. Jackson as fast as possible. For Superboy, he ran away from the table with an autographed (and kissed) glossy of the sexiest actress in Hollywood. For Slobo, he ran away with a sore cheek.  
  
"How'd I supposed to know she didn't have a sense of humor?" Slobo asked, rubbing his raw cheek.  
  
"Hey, you're the one who had to ask if she had a mirror in her pocket. Now c'mon, let's get outta here. I can't WAIT to frame this baby...."  
  
"On your TOMBSTONE?!?"  
  
*Screeech!*  
  
"Oh &%^#" Slobo and Superboy said in unison.  
  
"`Oh &%^#' is right," said a battered, tattered, and VERY cross Cassandra Sandsmark. She looked like she just walked out of a feeding frenzy, chunks of clothes and chunks of hair missing. On her leg, clinging for dear life, was one bruised fan boy (had to give him props for riding the storm though).  
  
"Wow. I'm actually getting to touch Wonder Girl's leg," he swooned.  
  
"Aw, gedoffa me!" She said, kicking him off her leg and into a Gadzooks on the other side of the commons area.  
  
"Well, I hope you got what YOU wanted, Kon!" She was inches from his face. Slobo, however, was feet from the site, getting popcorn for the up-and- coming show. "And I HOPE you're HAPPY! That was one sneaky, underhanded, simple-minded, hormone-driven...."  
  
%%%EVERYBODY WANTS SOME! I WANT SOME TOO!!!%%%  
  
"Alright, Van Halen!" Slobo jumped up. "Finally, someone has some taste outside of the regular crud you people call `music'."  
  
"Ugh, somehow I don't think David Lee Roth ever sang this bad," Wonder Girl remarked, cupping her hands over her ears.  
  
"I don't know," Kon responded. "Did you hear any of his solo work?"  
  
%%%EVERYBODY WANTS SOME! HOW `BOUT YOU???%%%  
  
"Frag! Who's SINGING this song?"  
  
*Squeeearrrrrrkkkkk* "Tessssshting. Tesssssshting. Thissssssh thing on? Okay...HAHAHAHA!!!" An evil voice cackled over the speakers. "Denizensssssh of the sssssshhopping mall, here my dark criessssssh: For yearssssssh I've toiled under the tyranny of the musssssshcular and mindlesssssssh. Long hasssssh my sssssshuperior intellect sssssshuffered under the iron grip of...uh...meaninessssssh! Even today, when I thought myself sssssshafe amongssssssht my peersssssssh, I was cassssssht asssssshide like a piece off...um...sssssshomething you cassssssht asssshide, I guesssssh. BUT NO LONGER! For today I, SHHHHTEVE THE GREAT, shall unleassssh hissssssh vengeance upon you all. BEHOLD! My SSSSSHTEVE- BOTS!"  
  
%%%EVERYBODY WANTS SOME! I WANT SOME TOO!!! EVERYBODY WANTS SOME!!! HOW `BOUT YOU???%%%  
  
"*Snicker* Those are....`Steve-Bots'?" Superboy chuckled as swarm after swarm of tiny mechanical lawn gnomes marched through the double doors.  
  
"Looks like that looser you pushed outta line has some `size issues'. HAW!"  
  
The entire commons area burst into a great belly laugh at the sight of the Oompa Loompa-sized assailants. That is, until they started firing laser beams out of their eyes.  
  
Wonder Girl and Slobo both gave Superboy `the look'.  
  
"How was I supposed to know he was a mad scientist on the brink?" Superboy defended himself.  
  
Superboy looked up, just as a gnome with a giant battle hammer came flying down from the top rafters.  
  
His world went black....  
  
**********  
  
%%%EVERYBODY WANTS SOME! I WANT SOME TOO!!!%%%  
  
"Uh, fellas," Superboy started to squirm in his bonds as the drill grew ever closer to his skull. "You wouldn't mind loosening these binds, would you?"  
  
No response.  
  
"Didn't think so." He squirmed, a laser beam coming dangerously close to his mid-region. Around him the gnomes danced and sang and worked on what looked like a giant boot (hmm, gnomes working on boots, go fig).  
  
%%%EVERYBODY WANTS SOME! HOW `BOUT YOU???%%%  
  
"Right now I'd settle for `What the World Needs Now'," he whispered under his breath.  
  
The gnomes stopped....  
  
**********  
  
The gnomes stopped.... Slob, confused by the sudden lack of activity by the armies of the annoying, removed his fist from the abdomen of one of larger, `feistier' gnomes. He looked around. It wasn't just this group. It was ALL of them.  
  
And it wasn't a legion of rampaging gnomes that frightened him. It was a legion of QUIET gnomes that gave him the willies. Like watching the cabin scene in `Evil Dead II' (especially the scene where Ash is looking at his reflection in the mirror and the reflection reaches through the window and grabs him) with all the lights off and the surround sound up.  
  
He played ten-pins with the remains of the titan before him, and ran onward.  
  
Heck, if they wanted to take a nap, who was he to argue.  
  
**********  
  
The gnomes had stopped.....  
  
Wonder Girl had to bash away at another hundred gnomes before she noticed. Her eyes darted back and forth, bashing her fist through the head of one or two others just to be sure they weren't luring her into some kind of false sense of security: Nothing happened.  
  
"This is usually the part in the horror flick," she whispered to herself, "where things go from bad to worse."  
  
Hearing a scream off in the distant corridor she flew like the wind into the darkness.  
  
***********  
  
The gnomes had stopped....  
  
Steve nervously glanced back and forth at his silent marionettes. Sweat rolled from underneath his skull plate.  
  
"None of thisssssh can be good," he muttered to himself.  
  
"What?" Terri inquired, curious. (Hey, she was a captive. She had a right to know, right?)  
  
The little man jumped on his hover board and flew to one of the gnomes up on the second floor. Popping open its chest plate, he gasped to himself.  
  
"What's wrong?" Terri had to ask.  
  
"Oh no...."  
  
********** Superboy, taking advantage of the silence to concentrate, burst free from his confines with a quick jolt of tactile telekinesis. He was barely able to dust himself off when the gnomes started to shake; softly at first, then more violently.  
  
"None of this can be good," he muttered to himself. Taking good care not to crumple his precious goods, he flew to where he the trail of wires led.  
  
**********  
  
"Okay, now you fraggin' things are shaking. Like THAT'S ever good." Slobo ran faster (bashing through as many gnomes as possible just because he could), the tunnel getting brighter at the end. He could almost see his blonde prize drawing closer...closer....  
  
*BOOFF!*  
  
"Watch where you're going!" A familiar voice screeched. He opened his eyes to see a very irritated Wonder Girl, butt planted on the floor, rubbing her head.  
  
"Aw, it's only you."  
  
"Glad to see you two, you KISS reject. You seen Kon around?"  
  
"Yeah. I saw short, mad and ugly doing a number on his family heirlooms with a bunch of lasers a ways back that way." The thought of Kon suffering like that brought a wicked smile on her face.  
  
"Well, not that he doesn't deserves it, one of us should go back and save him," she said, getting up.  
  
"You go save Stupid Boy. I've got me a damsel that needs undressing."  
  
"Don't you mean `distressing'."  
  
"No, I think I got it right the first time."  
  
"Ye gods, give me strength."  
  
"Someone call for me?" A voice said behind them. The both spun on their heels.  
  
"KON!" They said in unison.  
  
"Miss me," he smiled smugly. Cass smiled briefly....then punched him square in the jaw.  
  
*WHAM!*  
  
"OW!"  
  
"That's for getting me stuck in this mess," she said as he nursed his jaw. The gnomes started to hum, the foundation of the building shaking violently.  
  
"I'll deal with you later," she said. "Right now we've got a mad scientist to stop." She flew on ahead.  
  
"Heh. You got punched out by a girl," Slobo chuckled.  
  
"Shut. Up."  
  
**********  
  
"ThissssshissssshbadthissssshisssssshbadthisssssshisssssshSSSSSHObad!" The tiny man darted and dashed from gnome to gnome, examining each and every individual one's innards. He was sweating profusely. Even Terri was nervous now.  
  
"I'm gonna kill my manager if I ever get out of this," she swore to herself, trying to work herself free from her bonds. Adjusting her slender, feminine physique she wiggled her curvaceous bod through the cold, metallic wires that bound her. Her chest heaved in and out as she forced her tiny waist and firm buttox through to freedom. Her pants, snagged on a tiny sliver of metal, slipped precariously farther and farther down her lets, revealing her sequin....  
  
(Whoa...going WAAAAAY to far there. I pause for a second so the men out there can catch their breaths.....)  
  
(Okay, back to the story.)  
  
Freed, Terri scanned the area for the nearest exit.  
  
"HEY! I FOUND HER!" Someone cried.  
  
"I SAW HER FIRST! SHE'S MY SAVE!"  
  
"IN YOUR DREAMS, SHORT-AND-TANLESS!"  
  
While the voices argued amongst themselves a young blonde emerged from the shadows.  
  
"Hey, I recognize you," Terri said. "You're Cissie's friend!"  
  
"Uh...yeah," she said, scratching the back of her head. "I'm Wonder Girl."  
  
"Wonder Girl?!? Wow! I never knew Olympic athletes got to hang out with super heroes. I am, like, SOOOO in the wrong business." "Yeah, well, we were kinda friends before either of us made it famous and....Wait! What am I saying? We're here to save you."  
  
"`We'?' "  
  
Wonder Girl thumbed back in the direction of the arguing voices.  
  
"OH YOU WOULD LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU? YOU SICK FREAK!"  
  
"AW, GO FRAG YOURSELF!"  
  
Superboy and Slobo, grappling with themselves, rolled out of the shadows and into Terri. They looked up, anime-smiles on their faces.  
  
"Not much for cavalry, now are they?" She commented.  
  
Just then the entire venue began to shave violently, like the Earth itself was threatening to explode.  
  
"What the FRAG...???"  
  
"What did you do to my Sssssshteve-Botssssssh!?!" Steve screamed at the group of heroes.  
  
"Nothing," Superboy answered. "All I said was `Right now I'd settle for `What the World Needs Now'. Then they just stopped in their places."  
  
"...."  
  
"Oh no. You stupid STUPID JOCK!!!"  
  
"Hey, what happened to your speech impediment?"  
  
"FORGET THE IMPEDIMENT! WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE, RIGHT NOW!!! BEFORE...."  
  
%%%WHY DO BIRDS....SUDDENLY APPEAR....WHENEVER YOU....YOU ARE NEAR?%%%  
  
"We're too late."  
  
%%%WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW....IS LOVE, SWEET LOVE! IT'S THE ONLY THING....THAT THERE'S JUST....TOO LITTLE OF!!!%%%  
  
"FRAG! THIS IS WORSE!!!"  
  
"WORSE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE! THEY'RE GOING TO SELF-DESTRUCT!"  
  
"WHAT?!?"  
  
%%%WHY DO BIRDS....SUDDENLY APPEAR....%%%  
  
"THIS IS THE MOST HATED SONG IN THE WORLD! SO I FIGURED, IF I WAS GOING TO BE DEFEATED, I WAS GOING TO HAVE THE GNOMES SELF-DESTRUCT WHILE SINGING THIS SONG!"  
  
"MAN, YOU ARE EVIL!" Wonder Girl screamed over the gnomes.  
  
"HEY!" Terri interjected. "I LIKE THIS SONG!!!"  
  
%%%WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW....IS LOVE, SWEET LOVE.%%%  
  
"HOW LONG DO WE HAVE?" Superboy asked.  
  
Steve looked at his watch. Steve then SHOOK his watch. Steve, frustrated further, began beating his watch against the wall.  
  
"Man, I KNEW I should've gotten new batteries for this thing."  
  
%%%IT'S THE ONLY THING%%%  
  
"YOU MEAN YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG UNTIL THESE THINGS GO OFF???" Now Wonder Girl was REALLY upset. "HERA! THESE THINGS COULD GO OFF AT ANY SECOND FOR ALL WE KNOW!"  
  
On cue, the gnomes started to glow.  
  
"Or they could go off now," Slobo noted, slouching. "Just. Fraggin'. Great."  
  
%%%THAT THERE'S JUST....TOO LITTLE OF!!!%%%  
  
The five flinched, bracing themselves for their final end....  
  
********************  
  
*piff*  
  
"`Piff'?"  
  
"'Piff'!??"  
  
"Huh. `Pif'!"  
  
They all opened their eyes, slowly. Smoking legs that had once been mechanical gnomes were littered about everywhere. Other than that, their explosions had been lackluster at best.  
  
"Huh. No wonder those explosives were so cheap," Steve commented, rubbing the back of his head. "Guess we should be...."  
  
The four stared at him with menacing intent.  
  
"....grateful?"  
  
The last thing he saw were four angry fists.  
  
Then Steve's world went black.  
  
************  
  
"If you EVER drag me along on one of these again, you'll be eating through a straw for the rest of you life!" Grumbled a very cross Czarnian.  
  
"And that's AFTER I get through with you," Wonder Girl returned the sentiment.  
  
"Okay, I'll admit it: This wasn't exactly the best idea I've ever come up with. But at least I got what I came for." He went to admire his autograph....  
  
....which was so smudged with dirt and grime that it was hardly recognizable as anything but a mess.  
  
Kon started to weep.  
  
"I don't know about you and Slobo, but I'm going to go take a LOOONG shower and try to forget this day ever happened."  
  
"Heck, I'm just fraggin' glad that nothing else could possibly go....uh, why is bird boy being hung upside down by one of our security bots?"  
  
"Awww no!" Cass moaned, smacking her forehead.  
  
"Uh....Cass?" Robin started, a giant blaster cannon pointed at his torso. "You think you have time to go over those security glitches now?"  
  
Just one of those days.... 


End file.
